A few quotes from Emo Philips

Sometimes, a good laugh is the best way to walk through life with a smile. Here are a few lines from Emo Philips.

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

“I wouldn’t say my sister is a whore, I think the more political correct term is that she is user friendly”

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of my body is telling me that?"

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

I miss New York so much that I fill my vaporizer with urine.

I was about to send a cheque to UNICEF and it dawned on me why should I send money half-way around the world when I have to look at people who are starving in my own backyard. So I used the money to buy fencing.

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."